i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
