This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
