I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
