he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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