Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
