I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
As shirtless as possible
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
