I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
not ubering you a puppy
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
