I want to have your abortion
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
