New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
