How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
