70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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