my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
