There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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