dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
