just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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