I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
