If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
