I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I wish you could order shots online.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
