Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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