We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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