Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
