so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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