dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
