I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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