Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My vagina is very pro this idea
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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