When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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