If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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