Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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