I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
