Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
