rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
