I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
