On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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