I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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