I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
