She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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