He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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