after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
