dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
