I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
