This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
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