That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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