When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
