Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
