my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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