My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
