so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
