I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
