I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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