At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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